The Laws of Japanese Animation
#1 - Law of Metaphysical Irregularity
The normal laws of physics do not apply.
#2 - Law of Differentiated Gravitation
Whenever someone or something jumps, is thrown, or otherwise is rendered airborn, gravity is reduced by a factor of 4.
#3 - Law of Sonic Amplification, First Law of Anime Accoustics
In space, loud sounds, like explosions, are even louder because there is no air to get in the way.
#4 - Law of Constant Thrust, First Law of Anime Motion
In space, constant thrust equals constant velocity.
#5 - Law of Mechanical Mobility, Second Law of Anime Motion
The larger a mechanical device is, the faster it moves. Armored Mecha are the fastest objects known to human science.
#6 - Law of Temporal Variability
Time is not a constant. Time stops for the hero whenever he does something ‘cool’ or ‘impressive’. Time slows down when friends and lovers are being killed and speeds up whenever there is a fight.
#7 - First Law of Temporal Mortality
‘Good Guys’ and ‘Bad Guys’ both die in one of two ways. Either so quick they don’t even see it coming, OR it’s a long drawn out affair where the character gains much insight to the workings of society, human existence or why the toast always lands butter side down.
#8 - Second Law of Temporal Mortality
It takes some time for bad guys to die… regardless of physical damage. Even when the ‘Bad Guys’ are killed so quickly they didn’t even see it coming, it takes them a while to realize they are dead. This is attributed to the belief that being evil damages the Reality Lobe of the brain.
#9 - Law of Dramatic Emphasis
Scenes involving extreme amounts of action are depicted with either still-frames or black screens with a slash of bright color (usually red or white).
#10 - Law of Dramatic Multiplicity
Scenes that only happen once, for instance, a ‘Good Guy’ kicks the ‘Bad Guy’ in the face, are seen at least 3 times from 3 different angles.
#11 - Law of Inherent Combustability
Everything explodes. Everything.
First Corrallary - Anything that explodes bulges first.
Second Corrallary - Large cities are the most explosive substances known to human science. Tokyo in particular seems to be the most unstable of these cities, sometimes referred to as “The Matchstick City”.
#12 - Law of Phlogistatic Emission
Nearly all things emit light from fatal wounds.
#13 - Law of Energetic Emission
There is alway an energy build up (commonly referred to as an energy ‘bulge’) before Mecha or space craft weapons fire. Because of the explosive qualities of weapons, it is believed that this is related to the Law of Inherent Combustability.
#14 - Law of Inverse Lethal Magnitude
The destructive potential of a weapon is inversly porportional to its size.
#15 - Law of Inexhaustability
No one *EVER* runs out of ammunition. That is of course unless they are cornered, out-numbered, out-classed, and unconscious.
#16 - Law of Inverse Accuracy
The accuracy of a ‘Good Guy’ when operating any form of fire-arm increases as the difficulty of the shot increases. The accuracy of the ‘Bad Guys’ when operating fire-arms decreases when the difficulty of the shot decreases. (Also known as the Stormtrooper Effect) Example: A ‘Good Guy’ in a drunken stupor being held upside down from a moving vehicle will always hit, and several battalions of ‘Bad Guys’ firing on a ‘Good Guy’ standing alone in the middle of an open field will always miss.
First Corrallary -
The more ‘Bad Guys’ there are, the less likely they will hit anyone or do any real damage.
Second Corrallary -
Whenever a ‘Good Guy’ is faced with insurmountable odds, the ‘Bad Guys’ line up in neat rows, allowing the hero to take them all out with a single burst of automatic fire and then escape.
Third Corrallary -
Whenever a ‘Good Guy’ is actually hit by enemy fire, it is in a designated ‘Good Guy Area’, usually a flesh wound in the shoulder or arm, which restricts the ‘Good Guy’ from doing anything more strenuous than driving, firing weaponry, using melee weapons, operating heavy machinery, or doing complex martial arts maneuvres.
#17 - Law of Transient Romantic Unreliability
Minmei is a bimbo. (* Note: The Minority Opposition in Ohio disagrees and thinks all men who like this stuff need to get out more. *)
#18 - Law of Hemoglobin Capacity
The human body contains over 12 galons of blood, sometimes more, under high pressure.
#19 - Law of Demonic Consistency
Demons and other supernatural creatures have at least three eyes, loads of fangs, tend to be yellow-green or brown, but black is not unknown, and can only be hurt bladed weapons.
#20 - Law of Militaristic Unreliability
Huge galaxy-wide armadas, entire armies, and large war-machines full of cruel, heartless, bloodthirsty warriors can be stopped and defeated with a single insignifigant example of a caring/loving emotion or a song.
#21 - Law of Tactical Unreliability
Tactical geniuses aren’t….
#22 - Law of Inconsequential Undetectability
People never notice the little things…. Like missing body parts, or wounds the size of Seattle.
#23 - Law of Juvenile Intellectuality
Children are smarter than adults. And almost always twice as annoying.
#24 - Law of Antagonistic Americanthropomorphism
The really nasty ‘Bad Guys’ are always skinny Americans.
#25 - Law of Americanthropomorphistic Intellectual Inferiority
The stupid ‘Good Guys’ are always big Americans.
First Corrallary -
The only people who are more stupid than the big dumb Americans are the American translators. (Sometimes referred to as the Green Line Effect)
Second Corrallary -
The only people who are more stupid than the American translators are the American editors and censors.
#26 - Law of Mandibular Proportionality
The size of a person’s mouth is directly proportional to the volume at
which they are speaking.
#27 - Law of Feline Mutation
Any half-cat/half-human mutation will invariably:
1) be female
2) will possess ears and sometimes a tail as a genetic mutation
3) wear as little clothing as possible, if any
#28 - Law of Conservation of Firepower
Any powerful weapon capable of destroying/defeating an opponent in a single shot will invariably be reserved and used only as a last resort.
#29 - Law of Technological User-Benevolence
The formal training required to operate a spaceship or mecha is inversely proportional to its complexity.
#30 - Law of Melee Luminescence
Any being displaying extremely high levels of martial arts prowess and/or violent emotions emits light in the form of a glowing aura. This aura is usually blue for ‘good guys’ and red for ‘bad guys’. This is attributed to Good being higher in the electromagnetic spectrum than Evil.
#31 - Law of Non-anthropomorphic Antagonism
All ugly, non-humanoid alien races are hostile, and usually hell-bent on destroying humanity for some obscure reason.
#32 - Law of Follicular Chroma Variability
Any color in the visible spectrum is considered a natural hair color. This color can change without warning or explanation.
#33 - Law of Topological Aerodynamics, First Law of Anime Aero-Dynamics
*ANY* shape, no matter how convoluted or odd-looking, is automatically aerodynamic.
#34 - Law of Probable Attire
Clothing in anime follows certain predictable guidelines.
Female characters wear as little clothing as possible, regardless of whether it is socially or meteorologically appropriate. Any female with an excessive amount of clothing will invariably have her clothes ripped to shreds or torn off somehow.
Whenever there is a headwind, a Male characters will invariably wear a long cloak which doesn’t hamper movement and billows out dramatically behind him.
First Corrallary (Cryo-Adaptability) -
All anime characters are resistant to extremely cold temperatures, and do not need to wear heavy or warm clothing in snow.
Second Corrallary (Indecent Invulnerability) -
Bikinis render the wearer invulnerable to any form of damage.
#35 - Law of Musical Omnipotence
Any character capable of musical talent (singing, playing an instrument, etc.) is automatically capable of doing much more “simple” things, like piloting mecha, fighting crime, stopping an intergalactic war, and so on…especially if they have never attempted these things before.
